I started out so strong and ready to do my Whole30 AIP. I had a great week. My energy was feeling great, my stomach and digestion were on point. I even know that I preached about how nothing was going to stop me. But, something did. I let my emotions about something really get to me and I stopped eating the plan. Now, I’ve been off for 2 weeks. And I’m not sorry.

If you check out my website: www.heatherzthentp.com, you will see a picture of a ridiculously happy  “person” and her human. That ridiculously happy “person” is named Stoney. I’ve had her since she was 5 weeks old and now she’s 11. We’ve been through everything together. An end to a horrible marriage, therapy for it (she’s the best therapy dog every), 100 lb weight loss, late nights, early morning, so many walks, horrible holiday work hours (I once worked 18 hours straight), new boyfriends, breakups, laughter, tears (so many tears), drinking (sometimes sooo much drinking), kids and his friends (those will always be “her” boys), just so many things. I can’t imagine a life without her.

I know. I know. Dogs don’t live forever and someday I’ll have to say good-bye. That’s why, when 2 weeks ago when her vet (Dr. Raj) called, I was absolutely floored. The week prior I had taken Stoney to her vet because she was constipated. I was told I should wait for at least 48 hours to see if the issue would resolve itself, but it didn’t. After she began vomiting after 24 hours, I made an appointment right away. I had to drop her off (covid rules) and then sat in the parking lots and cried my eyes out. Something was wrong. I knew it, in my gut, something was terribly wrong.

Dr. Raj called me while I sat there crying and told me he would have to keep her, possibly overnight and that I should go home. Can’t be having a woman sobbing in the parking lot..lol. 😉  I went home. I stuck to Whole30 foods that first night. But my emotions were so high. The next day, it was on like donkey kong. I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about me, just my girl. I hated leaving her. We’ve been through so much.

I finally got the ok to retrieve her the next day after 5pm. SOOOOOOOOO long. My head was in a dark place. I found out that Stoney had a terrible obstruction, a GI infection, A lung infection, terrible arthritis in her spine and a tumor in her anal gland. They did a biopsy on that. In the meantime, I got to pay $1500, take her home, give her a full round of meds and some of which she’ll be on for the rest of her life (like the ones to help with her arthritis). I got back to eating appropriately. Dr. Raj said he’d call when he got the results of the biopsy in.

Well, a week later, he phoned me.

All I really heard in that phone call was: “..the tumor is cancerous and we need to operate immediately..”.  My heart dropped to much stomach, tears started to roll down my cheeks, I started making the ugly cry face, and I told Dr. Raj I’d call him later.

So many things were going through my head. Could this be the end? I’m not ready. I am not ready to let go. I still cannot imagine a day without her. Even with her being gone overnight at the vet, I still heard her snorts, her snoring, seeing her head peek around the corner when I’m on the toilet, her herding me out the door to go on our morning walk. She’s just such a part of my life, that it terrifies me to think of losing her like this. And to think that lack of money was going to stop me just wasn’t an option. Her surgery is $4k.

Stress, sadness, and the unknown, it’s all it took. I am eating to survive and I’m ok with that right now. It’s not perfect. It’s not even AIP. I’m okay with that. Until I can really get back on track and get over the hump, I will do what it takes to survive. In the meantime, I’ve started a gofundme for Stoney. You can find that on my FB page if you’d like to check it out or to donate.

Stoney’s appointment is scheduled for 9:30 Tuesday morning. One way or another, I will make sure this happens.

Remember, things will come up in your life. Sometimes they’ll be unbearable. Sometimes they’ll be joyous. Whatever the situation, grant yourself the kindness if you slip on a eating plan. Know that everything will be ok. This too shall pass. This is your life, your body. It’s the only one you’ve got.